winning the war but losing the battle

while i'm beyond happy that we're winning the big-picture war on this cancer, i can't help but feel like i'm losing the daily battle with chemo. my bone marrow is officially on strike, halting blood cell production. thankfully, my husband has gotten good at administering neupogen vaccines.

i've learned first-hand that the phenomenon known as 'chemo brain' is very real. no lies, it does makes me want to cry a little bit when i struggle to recall a word, remember why i walked into the kitchen or do simple math to calculate a tip on a restaurant bill. i'm hopeful that these little cognitive lapses will pass once chemo ends and my body purges itself of all these toxins.

while nausea will forever be my biggest chemo complaint, 'anticipatory nausea' has become quite a nag in and of itself. on a good day, the smell of isopropyl alcohol alone is enough to cause me to gag, apparently reminding me of chemo on some subconscious level. i've confiscated peter's alcohol-laced hand sanitizer and replaced it with an alcohol-free alternative, making rides in his car much more tolerable for me.

from the start, i was prepared to lose my hair but really hoped i wouldn't lose my eyebrows and lashes. unfortunately, they've started to thin... hopefully not the beginning of the end of those features. the real upside of this deal (if there is one... i'm digging deep here!) is that i've got the most flawless armpits in town. :)

simply put, nothing about chemo is fun. my body, mind and spirit will be infinitely joyful when it is over!